What Might Have Been

I have four friends/relatives that will be having or have had babies within the month. I get to go and hold these little darlings occasionally. Holding a perfect little new born is a cheerful thing to do. Most of the time.

Sometimes it sparks a little bit of sadness in me.

I didn't have perfect little new born babies. I had fetuses.

For those of you who don't know I have twin girls that were born 14 weeks premature.

They were under two pounds each.

I didn't hear my newborns cry until they were seven weeks old.

They had scars on their body from the first moments of birth. I has never been easy for me to be a parent. Not that it is for anyone, but I have never had one of those blissful moments when all seems right with the world.

I have always had worry.

Will they ever be able to breath on their own?

Will they be able to see they way they should?

Will they be able to eat normally?

Will they be able to sit up?

Will they ever walk?

Will they ever talk?

After a while the worry switched to:

Will she ever be able to feed herself?

Will she ever be able to get dressed?

Will she every be able to tell me she loves me?

Will she be like everyone else?

Will everyone treat her the way she deserves to be treated?

I know all parents ask themselves these things. I know they all worry. But at some point I have had to give up on "the dream". Sure there are a lot of things both of my girls can do that I never thought they would. We no longer have to spoon feed, or worry about them falling down stairs. We do however worry about how the world will treat people who are so vastly different.

I look at new born babies, and pray fervently for their parents that they will never have to go through the heartache of having to give up the "what might have been".

I pray that my children never know how much it hurts to give up the dream of a perfect little baby. I pray that they don't realize that with giving up that dream, my life has been altered but not always for the worse.

I do however hope they realize that my life has been better because of them. I wouldn't change a thing to make it different for myself. I would change it for them, not because there is something wrong with them, but because there is something wrong with the way the rest of the world sees them.

I hope they never look at themselves and ask what if? or What might have been?

I hope they can appreciate themselves for who they truly are: