“Porter, what is that?” asked my Chinese friend Phil when he was visiting our home this last week from China.
“The moon.” replied eight year old Porter as he looked at the sky.
“In Chinese the moon has a different name.” Phil went on.
Phil told Porter the two syllable word
which means moon in Chinese, but Porter struggled with the new sounds.
After a minute Porter was able to reproduce the sound combinations, but
something was still missing. Phil had Porter listen to him say the word
again and again so that Porter could make the sounds with the correct
tone. Finally, Porter said the Chinese word for moon with the proper
tone, soft in one place and more abrupt in another place. From this
simple vocabulary lesson, Porter learned that good communication skills
require two things, the action and the tone.
Tone
When we communicate
with each other we always have a tone. Without ever telling anyone
directly, we understand when a person is tired, angry, anxious, or has a
positive attitude. Naturally reading the tone of the other person is a
basic communication skill we all possess. A person's tone actually
communicates much more than their verbal communication and actions do.
This non-verbal communication is the first language we learn at birth
and we never stop using it.
Often times we are
even able to feel the tone of people through their emails, texts, and
letters. However, if we are not careful, we are also able to apply our
own tone to another person's words or actions. This practice regularly
causes relationship problems, misunderstandings, and is not effective
communication. The only way to really feel the tone of the another
person is to give them the 'benefit of the doubt' when we are
communicating. Judgment or attitude problem always gives way to
misunderstanding.
Applying Tone To Relationships
Relationships are
drastically affected by tone. When a child cries or whines their parent
immediately changes. The alteration depends on the relationship habits
and problem solving skills of the parent and child. Some parents
immediately pamper the child, while others begin power struggling and
threatening. By contrast, more assertive parents choose to recognize the
tone and identify the skill needed. They check to see if they are calm,
and then effectively communicate the needed change to the child in
skills-based language while focusing the whole time on improving the
tone they are carrying in their own heart.
Since we feel more
than we ever hear, parents change the hearts of their children by
consistently governing their own tones while teaching essential skills
in a self-government structure.
The first two-thirds of my communication skills training book, Parenting A House United: Changing Children's Hearts And Behaviors By Teaching Self-Government, talks
about how to create the proper tone for teaching in the home, then the
last third of the book teaches the assertive communication skills needed
to correct and teach proper behavior in children.
Most
people come to the book looking for a quick skill to teach a child.
They can read the last third of the book for those interpersonal
communication skills. But, if they want their child to have a change of
heart, instead of just experience behavior modification, then applying
the first part of the book along with the last part is essential. All
good communication techniques need to be delivered with the appropriate
tone in order to take root in the heart of the person they are directed
toward. The tone is what encourages the heart to be open to the
communication offered.
It's That Easy!
So,
to help a person change their heart, behavior, and life all the parent
needs to do is have the right tone while teaching and correcting the
child. Pretty easy right?
It
sounds easy to just choose to change your tone. However, changing the
way you see and feel about the world, which is what your tone is,
requires a lot of faith and courage. You have to trust in the power of a
reformed heart. You have to choose love in stead of selfishness and
judgment. You have to train yourself to know what to say so that you can
focus primarily on the way you feel and the non-verbal messages you are
sending.
Learning
the steps to following instructions and the other communication skills
taught is the structure part of self-government teaching, but the tone
is where the power is.
I
have spent my whole life reforming my tone, and it will forever be my
greatest project. I had a controlling personality by nature, which
needed to be changed in order to teach my children self-government. I
knew that if I was always controlling they couldn't ever really learn
that they had to choose self-government for a happy life.
The Benefit
When
a person learns self-government they have more power than most other
people. Great leaders emerge from people who have learned how to change
themselves first. Only then are these people worth listening too. And,
only then, do they know the power of tone. These people inspire others
just by establishing a connection with them. They have something other
people want. It is a tone, a feeling. It is the product of
self-government.
Nicholeen Peck is a popular public speaker, BBC television star and author of Parenting A House United, and Londyn LaRae Says Okay. Her blog is Teaching Self Government. The BBC show of her family can be found there, as well as answers to frequently asked parenting questions. To buy her book click here. Check out her Books and Audio Classes, New Children's Book or her Blog which is full of great parenting tips!
